


League of Villains and the Debate of Heroes

by MysticMedusa



Series: 5+1 [15]
Category: Black Panther (2018), Captain America (Movies), Doctor Strange (2016), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies), X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Civil War Team Iron Man, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Loki (Marvel) Has Issues, Loki has a crush, Minor Character Death, Nick Fury is Not Amused, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Not Steve Friendly, Not Thor: Ragnarok (2017) Compliant, Not Wanda Friendly, Post-Black Panther (2018), Post-Doctor Strange (2016), Tony Stark is amused, not team Cap friendly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-07-18 11:48:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16117811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticMedusa/pseuds/MysticMedusa
Summary: The league of Villains decide to have a ranking systems of heroes and their threat levelAka Hela isn't in the story but her presence is feltAka Loki cant' decide to be nice or mean to his fellow villainsAka Fury isn't allowed to tell Tony where to put his dick





	League of Villains and the Debate of Heroes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [randomplotbunny](https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomplotbunny/gifts).



> Original prompt from randomplotbunny: Criminals and Villains are always being categorized on lists from most to least dangerous so long as they match certain criteria for each list, so what if your Villains Association did the same thing but with the Heroes? And what if that list, along with the criteria needed to get on it, ended up in the hands of said Heroes?  
> It would be awesome to see the reactions of the Hero community to such a list; especially if Tony Stark, not Iron Man, came out at number one in all categories by a wide margin as the one Hero you do NOT want to piss off.  
> I hope i did this prompt right for you randomplotbunny, if not i'm sorry but i still enjoyed writing this so i regret nothing XD  
> Also i let some dead villains live because i am god of this universe so you can't stop me

It started as any meeting among the league of villains. They sat down in Latveria (mostly because Doom liked to show off his kingdom and riches) for brunch(because supervillains loved brunch, it was the most evil of the day’s meals). Loki thought Doom’s décor was gaudy and considered redoing it as a prank later. Magneto looked to be enjoying the food offered (even if Doom was a stupid lowly homosapien and would perish with the rest of the non-mutants when he succeeded in his plans. Killmonger was eating in silence(he was apparently royalty but didn’t seem to care about his birthright like Loki(Loki thought the human a fool to ignore his noble blood that made him a fraction of a bit better than the rest of the lowly mortals). For some reason Justin Hammer was invited (Loki was planning to kill the mortal, he was just looking for the perfect occasion to remove the annoying stain of the overly confident ant). Mordo was reading a tome not bothering with the food (the former student of the mystic arts didn’t trust the Latverian dictator not to poison them or for the trickster not to do some kind of prank involving the food). Killian was one of the two guests in the country to bring a gift upon arrival to the meetings. He’d brought a bottle of wine and Loki brought a rare jewel he’d stolen the last time he was on Alfheim (because even villains should have manners but mostly because he wanted to outdo the mortal because he was a god and so much better than him). Crossbones and Vanko were talking among themselves and pretty much ignoring everyone else (Loki made a mental note to steal the man’s bird for no other reason than because he wanted to).

So they were gathered prepared to hold a meeting to discuss their most annoying enemy, the avengers. This meeting however was different as they were considering making a ranking system of who among the avengers was by far the most dangerous to the least. None of them could foresee the argument that would follow. They were all unafraid to state their opinions (or murder those who disagreed with them, they were villains, temporary truce or not that didn’t change and no one should be surprised if the meeting ended with several corpses).

 

~

1 Captain America and Black Panther

 

“Captain America is clearly the most dangerous. He’s their leader and a strategic genius.” Crossbones stated when the topic of today’s suggest had been stated.

“Just because you have a hate boner for the guy doesn’t mean you can go sprouting nonsense.” Killmonger sat looking at the other villain like he was the most stupid of the ants (Loki would agree if Justin Hammer didn’t still breathe but he could fix that).

“What, you going to say you precious rival T’Challa is the most dangerous?”

“Nah, that dude’s a dumbass to. Seriously he let me challenge for the right of king, I wasn’t even raised with Wakanda’s laws and values, how stupid does someone have to be to let a complete outsider rule just because they share royal blood?”

Loki could admit he had a point; maybe he wasn’t a worthless ant.

“So why’s the captain not the most dangerous?”

“Why do you think leaving the technological genius out of dealing with Project Insight is strategic genius? What, was Captain America going to throw his mighty shield and hope the hellicarriers and Hydra would yield?”

At the other end of the table Killian nearly choked on his drink.

“Oh please, like I would have helped if they’d called me.” Hammer said like the arrogant greasy ant he was (Loki might just gut the man and hang him from the tallest point of Doom’s castle, he was sure they’d both enjoy the man no longer residing among the living. Only reason he didn’t was because he was certain Hela would make his life a living hell for sending the worthless ant to her early).

“Ok well that’s just one example. He’s still a talented fighter and has the serum.”

“Right, like he’s the strongest avenger or the one with the most experience with fighting.” Killmonger countered.

Loki had seen the experience behind the captain, it was not that impressive. The widow had more training have been trained to kill since she was a child; Thor was a warrior prince that was both stronger and had more years behind him. The Hulk was physically stronger and it was nearly impossible to actually hurt the beast. The captain when compared to any of them was a joke.

“Well how do we decide a hero’s threat level? What factors do we take into account?” Killian asked (he was not such a stupid ant and Loki liked his fire).

“Doom would consider their strength a factor.”

“Their likability and ability to manipulate the masses, if a king is not liked among the people he risks riots against his rule, the same for heroes would be true.” Loki pointed out.

“Whether they are a hero on their own merits, such as Iron Man is one on his own while the captain was granted a serum by another.” Killian pointed out.

“Resourcefulness without the usual gear when they’re doing their heroing.” Crossbones suggested.

“How good their toys are.” Justin said with a smirk like he wasn’t the worse weapons designer on the planet (or universe Loki thought with a dark chuckle at the man’s foolish attempts to be the best).

“So if we consider these things where do the captain and panther rank on the threat level seeing as you two decided to argue over those two specifically?” Mordo asked.

“Neither the captain or T’Challa have their abilities on their own, sure they did something to be given the serum or heart shaped herb but they didn’t create the serum or make the herb themselves. Without either one’s a sickly ill thing that would die if you sneezed on him hard enough and the other a baseline human.” Killmonger stated.

“Neither are well liked since the fight between superheroes and it was discovered T’Challa had been hiding the captain and his group. They are no longer on the wrong side of the law anymore but it is thanks to Stark and T’Challa’s diplomatic immunity.” Magneto spoke up having been strangely silent.

“Yes, it is Stark who has in the past kept the avengers in a good light even with the public having been outraged many times before. The fools they protect had even been angry at them for my attack on New York.” Loki said oddly amused by how the humans thought.

“The captain and T’Challa don’t even make their own toys. Their armor and weapons were designed by others.” Hammer pointed out and only the fact the comment was useful to the discussion made Loki decide not to spell his drink with laxatives that he’d been considering just to piss off the idiot and Doom (mostly because it would be Doom’s castle that smelled in the aftermath and Loki could just teleport away laughing).

“Stark creates the captain’s armor and it was the elder Stark that made his shield. Shuri makes T’Challa’s armor and the gear he uses.” Killmonger agreed looking just as pained as any of the others would be to agree with Justin Hammer. (Loki would bet the man would throw up later because agreeing on anything with Hammer would leave anyone nauseous).

“To be fair even without their weapons both are fairly good fighters.” Killian said earning a tiny point in the twos favor.

“So their threat level?” Doom asked.

“Probably on the bottom on the ranking list.” Mordo stated.

“Oh please, that spot should be reserved for the hawk or falcon.” Loki scoffed.

 

~

 

2 Clint and Sam

 

“Can we all agree they belong on the lowest rank?” Loki asked the group at large.

“Indeed.” Magneto agreed.

“Oh yeah.” Justin stated earning displeased rounds of agreements from everyone else(Loki did in fact spell his drink to taste like sewer water after having to agree with the degusting human. It was worth having him spit out his drink on Killmonger and be stabbed for his actions).

 

~

 

3 Wanda and Natasha

 

“But what about the ladies of the avengers? We cannot simply assume them weak because they are female.” Vanko asked the group at large.

“Mordo you would agree with me that the witch is untrained and an insult to those of us that have trained in the ways of magic.” Loki addressed the master of the mystic arts. “Even you Doom are self-taught and far better that sorry excuse of a magic user.”

“Doom agrees with the trickster. She is not trained and her emotions rule her magic.”

“Why the avengers ever let her join is beyond me. Hatred and anger rule over all other emotions, it’s why her powers have never failed when attacking others or manipulating the minds of others.” Mordo added looking disgusted by the so called witch.

“If she had control of her powers I would have actually died in that explosion.” Crossbones added having escaped death once again (Loki would have to see if Hela secretly favored the human for some reason, the man had escaped death when it should not have been possible. If it was true he’d have to slice the mortal’s manhood off because he was a good father and protective of his little one).

Justin might have had something to add but he was too busy crying about his injury, weakling.

“The black widow isn’t that impressive either.” Vanko spoke up.

“She’s a pretty face that has been so assured of her own abilities so long that she doesn’t realize she’s not as good as she thinks she is.” Killmonger said before adding. “Shield/Hydra files were released online by her. Who the hell releases all those confidential files? If she was half as smart as she thinks she is she would have called Stark. But since she didn’t those files are out there for all to see. Have any of you seen the report she did on Stark while he was dying of palladium poisoning? That’s the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever seen.”

“Cut up her face and take away the toys given to her and she is of little use to anyone.” Vanko agreed.

“Both are also loyal to no one but themselves. How no one has realized this I will never understand.” Loki commented disgusted by both claiming themselves heroes, even Loki did not pretend to be good when he occasionally helped Thor. The thunder god was wise to be weary of him.

“Yes, during the attack by Ultron the witch helped him and only switched sides to act in her own best interest. Just as the widow had betrayed the KGB, Shield, and Stark during the battle at the airport. That too is public knowledge yet she has been again given another chance.” Doom said crossing his arms.

“So what of their threat levels?” Mordo asked.

“The witch has no control but if acting in anger she can manage against non-magic users. Widow is manipulative a little still even if her skills are not as great as she believes. She is also a talented fighter if only a little above baseline human.” Killmonger stated.

“Both so called hero’s arrogance would work against them though.” Magneto stated.

“So barely above the hawk and falcon in threat level?” Doom inquired.

“Agreed.” Came the replies of the group except Justin who was still crying on the floor in a growing pool of his own blood.

 

~

 

4 Hulk and Thor

 

“Let us discuss the heavy hitters among the avengers. What of the Hulk and Thor?” Magneto asked the group.

“Ah yes, the beast and my fool of a brother. Both physically strong and equally mindless.” Loki said with a laugh.

“Hulk isn’t completely mindless but his anger controls him too easily.” Killmonger stated.

“They are still to reliant on their strength. We cannot forget that Stark stood on equal footing with Thor as well as defeated the Hulk. Against someone of superior intelligence they fail. Thor is born with his strength and Hulk the result of a failed experiment.” Doom commented seeming unimpressed with both.

“Ah yes, Thor the golden prince has always been praised for his abilities even though he’d be dead a hundred times over without me growing up. He does not think before he strikes. That is where his downfall will one day come.”

“So where would we place their threat level?” Magneto asked.

“I would rate them a significant threat though not the most dangerous. Yes both are strong and have an excess level of endurance but otherwise they are not anyone to worry about too much.” Loki stated.

Agreements again except Justin again who was passed out now and being sent away by Mordo. Loki used his magic to check where, he was happy to find him being sent to the artic. If he survived to arrive at another meeting Loki would be honestly shocked.

 

~

 

5 The Not-Quite-Avengers

 

“Shall we include those who are not avengers but help them on occasion?” Magneto asked.

“If you are referring to me I assure you that I have only done so as a part of a larger scheme.” Loki said with a pointed look at the mutant.

“Not everything’s about you.” Vanko said. Loki was totally going to steal his bird, roast it, and send it back to him so he could watch him weep. Stupid annoying ant.

“Pretty sure he was talking about the Vision, Spiderman, Dr. Strange, Winter Soldier, and War Machine.” Killmonger corrected.

“Ah yes, I would like to state for the record I despise Strange.” Loki said and proceeded to meet the fist bump from Mordo.

“I thought Vision and War Machine were a full time member?”

“Not since the civil war. War Machine’s pilot James Rhodes was injured and only capable of part time thanks to the leg braces Stark made. Vision has decided to partly distance himself from avenging due to being partly responsible for the injury as well as not wishing to be near the witch as much.” Loki stated having done his research(personally he would have killed the witch instead of allowing her impede his own living situation if he were the Vision but the android from his understanding was still young, he’d learn to kill his enemies one day hopefully).

“So what do we think of their threat level?” Doom asked slightly annoyed by the detour of conversation.

“Strange is annoying but I’ll admit he’s earned the title of sorcerer supreme.” Mordo admitted looking pained to admit it (Loki made a mental note to do something nice for him seeing as they shared the same hatred for the sorcerer, maybe he’d unleash a herd of bilgesnipe in the New York sanctum and send a recording of the results to him).

“The Vision as well is quite strong though his lack of knowledge of the world is a weakness.” Loki admitted.

“Rhodes’ abilities to fight on a larger scale is due to Stark but his military background and loyalty is admirable.” Killmonger said sounding respectful of the other military member.

“The winter soldier is only part time but even with his limited time aiding the avengers he is both deadly and efficient in what he does. Even without Hydra’s training he was a talented sniper in the military.” Crossbones admitted looking less than pleased to.

“Spiderman is quite strong and has ability that makes it very difficult to have the upper hand of a surprise attack. His talkative nature during battle is weirdly charming and entertaining.” Killian said.

“Even if they were not as strong on their own they all have one thing in common.” Loki said drawing attention to him.

“Oh, what is that?” Doom asked.

“They are all under the protection of Stark. We have seen what happens to those who target those he cares for. Even the winter soldier who had murdered his parents has gained his favor. Not only that, Stark does not surround himself by incompetent people.”

Killmonger smirked.

“Yeah that CEO of his is scary efficient.”

Killian glared.

“She adapted well to using Extremis to. Even if I survived I’m sure if she’d realized I had she would have made another attempt and actually succeeded.”

“So if we face any of them we are guaranteeing we are facing Stark as well.” Vanko said his face showing he recalled his own experience in targeting Stark and his loved ones.

“I believe in order to actually determine their threat level we must determine Stark’s.” Loki said bringing silence over their group.

 

~

 

+1

 

Fury and Coulson entered the avengers compound like men on a mission. They were of course which spelled trouble for all those who dared to stand in their way. One such person of course was Scott Lang aka Ant-man who was flung aside because Fury was not in the mood. Their dramatic entrance was matched with epic battle music and as they stood before the gathered avengers that were still split since the civil war and the pardons granted, Fury’s coat bellowed in the non-existent wind and somewhere in the world fangirls were gasping at Coulson being alive.

“Holy shit you’re both alive…wait are you zombies? I need to know because as one of the few people in this room with a brain I feel like I should be concerned.” Tony questioned from where he had decided to hide behind his boyfriends Strange and Barnes.

“We’re not zombies Stark but people should be concerned.” Coulson answered.

“Is something going on?” The poor bastard Rogers asked, he’d be sad he questioned their arrival as Fury produced a file from within the endless abyss within his coat( Coulson at this point was certain there was an entire arsenal of weapons and perhaps even a tank and the fountain of youth within it. Hell maybe even clones of Coulson in there because maybe he had died and Fury just cloned him because loyal soldiers were so hard to come by).

“We discovered this report made by the league of villains. It seems they wanted to make a ranking system of threats similar to one Shield has of villains.”

Wanda smirked looking smug.

“So we can finally see how useless Stark is. If we can see it surely the enemy can see he is the weakest link.”

Fury looked at the unstable witch unimpressed.

“You’d be surprised at where he’s on the ranking. You however are second to last along with Agent Romanov. Wilson and Agent Barton are at the bottom. Lang didn’t even make it on the list apparently.

“How the hell am I second to last?” Romanov demanded clearly offended by her placement.

“You’re overly arrogant, have an ego, and believe more in your ability to manipulate and assess others than you actually should. Apparently they read your report on Stark and greatly disagree. Loki apparently added to the report you project when you’re the one with an ego.” It was true it was Loki who wrote the last part, he wrote it in glowing green ink and scans confirmed it had the same energy signature of his magic.

“Just curious, where do I rank?” Rhodes asked.

“Higher than Romanov, Thor, and Hulk.”

“See that’s bullshit right there.” Barton argued.

“No it’s not because Stark is ranked the highest threat and seeing as Stark protects his own all those in the league of villains know if they hurt them they’d deal with him so they have been granted a higher threat level.

“How the hell did he get a higher threat level? I’m more powerful than him and he’s a baseline human.” Wanda screeched.

“Stark went toe-toe with Thor, beat the Hulk, his greatest asset his is intelligence, he creates the weapons and armor used by the avengers, he has sway over the public and has on more than one occasion pulled your asses out of the fire. They apparently took into account that Stark also surrounds himself with others who are competent such of Pepper Potts, for whatever reason someone also commented on Stark being the sexiest avenger.” That was also Loki who put hearts around the comment but Fury didn’t mention that. “He’s also been held captive and escaped using his genius. Also listed in his file done by the league is that he is the only avenger with all their respect and none would want to face when he put his mind to permanently ending villains. They’re lucky Stark doesn’t want any more blood on his hands.”

“Ok now I know that’s not true, Hammer wouldn’t say he respects Stark.” Rogers argued.

“Hammer is no longer with the league; apparently they got tired of him because his body was found in the artic being eaten by penguins.” There was no need to mention that but Fury found it hilarious that someone had commented on the penguins eating him because he smelled fishy. Fury had never laughed so hard in his life and he had hidden the agent responsible in a hole so deep and dark even Batman couldn’t manage the miracle of escaping to ensure no one ever learned of it.

“Is it because he smelled fishy?” Stark asked making Coulson start giggling.

“If you weren’t the only thing likely standing between us being ruled by supervillains I’d shoot you.” Fury said as he threw his eyepatch at Stark outraged by the comment that nearly had him losing it again (also because hearing Coulson giggle was terrifying, almost enough to stop cloning him and keeping the spares in the abyss within his coat).

“No you wouldn’t because you’d have to deal with us.” Strange stated.

“That to, because you and the soldier there are in the second ranking along with spiderman, Vision, and Rhodes.”

“I thought they were only in second place because of Stark?”

“Nope, even without him they’re skilled enough that they’d still be ranked higher than you Romanov. The only change in their ranking would be they’d be below Thor and Hulk.” Fury answered.

“Why should we care what these villains think? They’re villains and insane. Stark is still weak!” Wanda screeched again and it was becoming annoying.

In the next moment Wanda was no longer standing there and instead a hamster was on the ground in her place with a note next to it. Rogers was crying out for Wanda and Barnes picked up the note.

“Huh, it says: I’m tired of letting vermin utter nonsense, Love Loki.” Barnes turned to Stark. “Do we have to be worried about apparently Loki having crush on you?”

“Depends, do you want to invite him over for an orgy?”

“Stark you aren’t fucking the god of mischief.” Fury told him.

“You can’t tell me where to put my dick.” Stark countered like the man-child he was.

With that Fury left leaving a copy of the report done by the league of villains. The others given less than glowing reviews crowded around it to look it over. Rogers stared unhappily at the words associated with his. Untrained, foolish, useless without the serum.

T’Challa who had remained silent was unhappy to see the words associated with his file. Unfit king, stupid, only slightly less useless than Rogers

Romanov glared at the words associated with Stark’s file. Genius, handsome, only homosapien worth sparing when mutants rule the earth, only mortal worth becoming consort(a note clearly made by both Loki and Doom), worthy opponent, fearsome, thankfully not a villain because there would be no room for anyone else if he was(a comment marked agreed upon by all the league.

Barton and Wilson glared at the only comment listed for theirs. Laughable.

Stark didn’t even bother looking at the file; he was too busy arguing over whether or not his boyfriends would agree to a one night stand with Loki. Something Thor was decidedly not listening to as he left with Bruce.


End file.
